Friday, June 30, 2006


Greenpeace in Chile? Problem Solved.

Chile's purchase of ten F-16 fighter jets from the United States has deep political implications, one could speculate. Such as maintaining a balance of power with Venezuela, the first nation in South America to buy an F-16. Or, perhaps, a closening of ties with United States. These are all great ideas, but they just don't go far enough. I propose that the Chilean government jack up its military capabilities in order to deal with a different set of troubles much closer to home.

The first national security threat—a deeply unsettling trend within the borders of Chile—was brought to our attention a few days ago by Interior Minister Andrés Zaldivar: bannner-wielding, radical environmentalists from neighboring countries affiliated with a terrorist organization that identifies itself as "Greenpeace."

Yes, concerned readers, Argentinean and Brazilian Greenpeace members have stormed Chile in ones and two's to block access to the corporation Celco, a cellulose manufacturer whose motto, I believe, is "Clean Rivers, Happy Swans."

Responding to the protests against Celco in a nationally broadcast appearance on TVN, Zaldivar warned that any foreigners entering the country on a tourist visa who disrupt public order will be immediately asked to leave the country. Bold words, Zaldivar, but not bold enough.

See, I respect you because you're a guy who knows how to use his resources. You're a "resource guy" - you cut down trees. So take a look at this brand new resource you've got at your command -- 10 F-16's. Just put in a call to the Air Force, they'll take care of the rest. Greenpeace? Problem solved.

You're a busy guy, but let me bring your attention to something that -- and I speak for the Chilean people here -- bothers us. Juvenile Delinquents. It has gotten to the point where shoot-outs take place in the middle of a crowded mall. Leave it up to the liberals, and we'd spend the next 50 years talking about the roots of delinquency and the need for social and economic reform.

Ha! We didn't just dish out US$600 million to talk about the unequal distribution of wealth, the lack of opportunities given to kids growing up in bad neighborhoods, bla bla bla. We spend good money to take care of business. In purchasing these fighter jets the government is making a bold but necessary statement to the thugs: we won't take this kind of behavior lying down. There.

Thank you Chile for finding effective policy alternatives to social crises. Use your resources, and start with those vegan activists. Bachelet, take a cue from Bush. Ask him to be a champ and throw in a few dog kennels from gitmo, we got some terrorists of our own down here...

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